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It may begin with "I need to talk to you" or could be said in an outburst of tears. Unless you were expecting the words, "I'm transgender" from your friend, you may be in a state of shock. Your friend is having a hard time as it is, and you're not quite sure what to say. It could take time, but you will find out that the person you knew is still there: you just know more.

What do you do when you first find out your friend is transgender?
If your friend has decided to "come out" to you, you have obviously earned a high level of trust. If you can, stay and listen. If you can, thank your friend for the honesty.

Be honest to your own gut reaction. You may be afraid. You may be shocked. You may be confused. All of these reactions are ones your transgender friend will probably understand you having, and it is likely that he will give you time to come to terms with yours. Be honest in telling your friend that you need time, but if you can, stay and listen.

What does it mean to be transgender?
To be transgender at its simplest means that one identifies as a member of the opposite gender. The level of identification varies for individuals. Some people feel that they best express themselves and enhance their self-identification through clothing traditionally assigned to the opposite gender. Others internally know that their bodies do not match who they are internally and may eventually seek gender reassignment surgery.

Why is my friend transgender?
No one made your friend transgender. It is not the result of home life, school life, TV shows, anything. Your friend did not request to be "transgender" on some menu at the beginning of life anymore than she chose specific eye color or height. If your friend has chosen to "come out," know that he is sure and in no way "going through a phase."

Is my friend different now?
Yes and no. Your friend is the same exciting, great person he has always been. At the same time, your friend now probably feels more comfortable being himself. Depending on how many people know, tension may still exist for your friend and for you as you join in "keeping the secret." Remember: your friend chooses who gets to know; ask before talking to others about your friend being “out.” Your friend is at the core still the person you have always known.

Isn't my friend just gay then?
No. Your friend may be straight, gay, or bisexual. Your friend is the only one who can tell you to whom she is attracted. If your friend internally identifies as female, although is biologically male, and is attracted to males, she would identify herself as straight.

Technically, to be gay or lesbian means that one is attracted to a member of the same gender; those who are bisexual feel an attraction to both genders. Members of the transgender community look beyond the physical distinctions to the internal identification. Love remains pure no matter the match.

My lesbian and gay friends dress like the other gender. Are my lesbian and gay friends transgender?
Not necessarily. You have to ask your friends how they identify themselves. Sexual orientation (who a person is attracted to) and gender identity are two different things for each person.

If they're not gay, why do they associate with the GLB (gay, lesbian, bisexual) community?
The transgender community spurred the start of the GLBT Equal Rights Movement., begun in 1969 in response to police harassment. Sharing a history and fight for rights, transgendered persons face similar questions and issues as members of the GLB community. Each of these communities requires difficult personal journeys, often accompanied by fears and negative reactions from society. Support systems are very helpful even when others do not have identical experiences.

What do I call my friend?
There are two parts to this question. First, your friend may choose to go by a nickname or change his name to something closer to the gender with which he identifies. This may, in fact, help you adjust to seeing your friend as he chooses to be seen. Secondly, your friend may prefer that you refer to him with different pronouns. You may be used to thinking of your friend as a "she," but your friend may ask you to call him "he."

The transgender community embraces those who are transsexuals, intersexed, crossdressers, and others who identify themselves as "trans" or "TG." Your friend does not fit in every transgender category. Talk to your friend about how he identifies himself. Be aware of your environment and the potential implications of your speech.

Because your friend may not be "out" to other friends, peers, teachers, or parents, it could be problematic to change how you refer to your friend. Talk about what suits your friend best. Also, talk to your friend about your comfort level of any name or pronoun changes. Your friend will likely understand, and the two of you can decide what works best.

Does she want to date me? Will he hit on me?
Maybe and maybe not. Relationships of any kind often form out of friendships. Your sexuality does not change as a result of your friend's identification, so you may or may not be attracted to your friend. However, as a result of a lack of information and an abundance of confusion about transgender persons, your friend is probably very aware of not crossing boundaries. Also, romantic relationships can seem more complicated if outwardly it appears to be a gay or lesbian couple. If this is a concern, talk to your friend. Honest friendships survive.

Aren't they having sex all the time?
No. Just because we are discussing gender identification does not mean that sexual intimacy is the subject. Transgender persons are not having any more sex than anyone else. For all individuals, healthy relationships are built on strong personal connections.

Why am I uncomfortable with his/her gender identity?
Since there has been more public information about homosexuality, sexual orientation may be easier understood than feeling out of place in your own body. It is difficult for someone who has not felt it to understand how a person could feel so unright about how he was born. It is difficult to understand how and why a person might decide to surgically change how he has always been.

Society keeps sexuality a constant topic, whether in religious institutions, the workplace, or politics. While American society is progressing towards acceptance, we often hear the fears loudest. Without neutral territory to look at our beliefs, it is difficult to separate facts from fears. It may help to learn what you can independently to gain some comfort.

I've accepted it, but why must they flaunt it?
You may feel that "flaunting" includes wearing different clothing or jewelry, public displays of affection, talking openly about transgender interests/relationships, and participating in GLBT pride activities. Remember that your friend has been "closeted," literally hiding and shaming a part of who she is. Now your friend can celebrate the joys of life as you have - holding a loved one's hand or talking about a potential date.

Why did he/ she have to tell us?
Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt people! Ok, so it's not that simple. The fact is that now is time for your friend to be honest with you. To continue to hide from friends only makes life harder. Living in a dark closet is painful. No one wants the friendship to change, but the truth you now know can mean you will be better friends whereas silence would have kept you apart.

Why didn't he/she tell us before?
Although secrets are no fun, sometimes they are helpful. Your friend has had to come to terms with her beliefs and fears. Your friend has had to accept herself before sharing with others. Above all, it is your friend's life and right to decide when it is safe to be honest with others. This decision comes in its own time but does not mean that you have not been trusted.

What about family, friends, or neighbors?
Now that you know, realize that your friend may not have told the rest of the world. It is your friend's decision to tell anyone else. This is not gossip to spread or news for the neighborhood. Find out whom your friend has told. Be aware of who may be listening when having public conversations, so as not to betray your friend's confidence.

Is my friend at risk for HIV/AIDS?
Anyone who engages in unsafe sexual practices is at risk for infection with the HIV virus, which causes AIDS. No matter the gender identity or sexual orientation of your sexual partner, there is always a risk. Consult parents, physicians, or counselors for information on sexual responsibility and safer sexual practices.

Will they have a family?
Families are people who share a lifetime bond no matter the trials or tribulations. Civil unions, domestic partnerships, and marriage are options depending on residence location.

Should my friend get counseling?
Counseling may be a good option for people to get support in dealing with a variety of issues life presents. Therapy is not needed to "change" or "fix" a person's gender identification. Your friend may need help with others' reactions, and counseling is required before someone can undergo sexual reassignment surgery. If you are concerned for your friend's physical safety, please find a responsible adult to assist.

How can I support my friend?
Stay and listen. Talk to your friend about what would be helpful ways to be supportive. Take the time you need to address your own beliefs and discomforts. Becoming a member of a GLBT/straight alliance may strengthen your friendship and understanding of each other.

Resources
Please note that resources are provided only as sources of information. Consult parents, physicians, and/or spiritual leaders for guidance with these difficult issues.

PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) Transgender Network
http://www.youth-guard.org/pflag-tnet/

Gender Identity 101: A Transgender Primer
http://www.sagatucson.org/resources/infotop.htm

Gabi Clayton's Resources - Gender
Special thanks to Gabi for her assistance in editing this pamphlet
http://www.youth-guard.org/gabi/gcresource_gender.htm

Gay-Straight Alliance Network
http://www.gsanetwork.org

OutProud - Be Yourself.
http://www.outproud.org/

National Youth Advocacy Coalition - Resource Database
http://209.190.203.130/nyac/resource_database.lasso

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