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pamphlet
It may begin with "I need to talk to you"
or could be said in an outburst of tears. Unless you
were expecting the words, "I'm gay" or "I'm
bisexual" from your friend, you are probably in
a state of shock. Your friend is having a hard time
as it is, and you're not quite sure what to say. It
could take time, but you will find out that the person
you knew is still there: you just know more.
What do you do when you first find out your friend
is gay, lesbian, or bisexual?
If your friend has decided to "come out" to
you, you have obviously earned a high level of trust.
If you can, stay and listen. If you can, thank your
friend for the honesty.
Still, you must be honest to your own gut reaction.
You may be afraid. You may be shocked. You may be confused.
All of these reactions are ones your GLB friend has
experienced. It has taken your friend time to come to
terms with his own response, so it is likely that he
will give you time to come to terms with yours. Be honest
in telling your friend that you need time, but if you
can, stay and listen.
What does it mean to be gay?
The question "what does it mean to be straight?"
can be asked just the same. Technically, to be gay or
lesbian means that one is attracted to a member of the
same gender; those who are bisexual feel an attraction
to both genders.
The distinction between gay and straight is only that
the beauty is found in someone physically similar rather
than physically different. Love remains pure no matter
the match.
Why is my friend gay?
No one made your friend gay. It is not the result of
home life, school life, TV shows, anything. Your friend
did not request to be "gay" on some menu at
the beginning of life anymore than she chose specific
eye color or height. If your friend has chosen to "come
out," know that she is sure and in no way "going
through a phase."
Is my friend different now?
Yes and no. Your friend is the same exciting, great
person he has always been. At the same time, your friend
now probably feels more comfortable being himself. Depending
on how many people know, tension may still exist for
your friend and for you as you join in "keeping
the secret." But your friend is to the core still
the person you have always known.
Does she want to date me? Will he hit on me?
These are reasonable questions, but they are unfounded
fears. In no way are GLB persons trying to "recruit."
In fact, thanks to homophobia, your GLB friend is very
aware of not crossing boundaries. Also, infrequently
are straight people attracted to gay people, and the
reverse is true as well. However, if this is a concern,
talk to your friend. Honest friendships survive.
Aren't they having sex all the time?
No. Just because we are discussing sexual orientation
does not mean that sexual intimacy is the subject. GLB
persons are not having any more sex than straight persons
are. For all individuals, healthy relationships are
built on strong personal connections.
Why am I uncomfortable with his/her sexuality?
Society keeps homosexuality a constant topic, whether
in religious institutions, the workplace, or politics.
While American society is progressing towards acceptance,
we often hear the fears loudest. Without neutral territory
to look at our beliefs, it is difficult to separate
facts from fears. It may help to learn what you can
independently to gain some comfort.
I've accepted it, but why must they flaunt it?
"Flaunting" can include wearing GLB clothing
or jewelry, public displays of affection, talking openly
about GLB interests/relationships, and participating
in GLB pride activities. Remember that your friend has
been "closeted," literally hiding and shaming
a part of who she is. Now your friend can celebrate
the joys of life as you have - holding a loved one's
hand or talking about a potential date. Your friend
has also joined a community that has a rough road to
membership; open participation in GLB pride activities
honors her journey.
Does it matter what I say?
In addition to sticks and stones, names do hurt. "Gay,"
"lesbian," and "bisexual" are all
appropriate references to those who are homosexual.
Some GLB people may use "queer," "fag," or "dyke" as words
of pride. It is best to be cautious with its use. Be aware of your environment and the potential implications of your speech.
In many places "gay" is used to mean something
that is stupid, nasty, or disgusting. No matter how
many people use it, it is still offensive and hateful.
What we say does matter.
Why did he/ she have to tell us?
Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt
people! Ok, so it's not that simple. The fact is
that now is time for your friend to be honest with himself.
To continue to hide from friends only makes life harder.
No one wants the friendship to change, but silence will
keep you apart.
Why didn't he/she tell us before?
Although secrets are no fun, sometimes they are helpful.
Your friend has had to come to terms with her beliefs
and fears. Your friend has had to accept herself before
sharing with others. Above all, it is your friend's
life and right to decide when it is safe to be honest
with others. This decision comes in its own time but
does not mean that you have not been trusted.
What about family, friends, or neighbors?
Now that you know, realize that your friend may not
have told the rest of the world. It is your friend's
decision to tell anyone else. This is not gossip to
spread or news for the neighborhood. Find out whom your
friend has told. Be aware of who may be listening when
having public conversations, so as not to betray your
friend's confidence.
If you are concerned for your friend's physical
safety, please find a responsible adult to assist.
Is my friend at risk for HIV/AIDS?
Anyone who engages in unsafe sexual practices is at
risk for infection with the HIV virus, which causes
AIDS. It is not a "gay disease." No matter
the gender of your sexual partner, there is always a
risk. Consult parents, physicians, or counselors for
information on sexual responsibility and safer sexual
practices.
Will they have a family?
Families are people who share a lifetime bond no matter the trials or tribulations. Civil unions or domestic partnerships (in some U.S. states) and legalized marriages in countries outside the United States do exist. Adoption is one of the many options for same sex couples to have children.
Should my friend get counseling?
Counseling may be a good option for people to get support
in dealing with a variety of issues life presents. Therapy
is not needed to "change" or "fix"
a person's sexual orientation. Your friend may need
help with others' reactions. If you are concerned
for your friend's physical safety, please find a responsible
adult to assist.
How can I support my friend?
Stay and listen. Talk to your friend about what would
be helpful ways to be supportive. Take the time you
need to address your own beliefs and discomforts. Becoming
a member of a gay/straight alliance may strengthen your
friendship and understanding of each other.
Resources
Please note that resources are provided only as sources
of information. Consult parents, physicians, and/or
spiritual leaders for guidance with these difficult
issues.
PFLAG - Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbian, Gay,
Bisexual and Transgendered Persons
http://www.pflag.org
Gay-Straight Alliance Network
http://www.gsanetwork.org
Families are Talking - For Young People
http://www.familiesaretalking.org/teen/teen0000.htm
OutProud - Be Yourself.
http://www.outproud.org/
National Youth Advocacy Coalition - Resource Database
http://209.190.203.130/nyac/resource_database.lasso