The members of the Eagles may not be able to stop Texans from stabbing juicy porterhouses with their steely knives, but they're trying to make sure they can't do it at Dallas' Hotel California Grill. Don Henley and Company forced a name change at the eatery, claiming that its very existence constitutes copyright infringement. And while owner Bill Arnold disputed the charge, insisting most folks can tell the difference between a sandwich and a bloated Seventies pop song, he caved in and created the Baja California Grill. No word on whether or not Glenn Frey is filing a separate suit to get McDonald's to change the name of its popular potato dish -- or whether the owners of Santa Monica's decades-old Hotel California are thinking about sicking their legal eagles on you know who . . .

   When you have a recording career as successful as Bob Geldof's, well, you have a lot of time on your hands -- which helps explain the one-time Boomtown Rat's participation in the quest to divine Britain's favorite word. As part of the London International Literature Festival, Limey academics are trying to boil down the essence of Britishness into one word -- a tough thing to do, if you ask us, since it's tough to convey the concept of poor dental hygiene in a single utterance. Geldof, in an effort to stay in touch with "the kids" (not to mention the grandkids), chose the word "fuck," noting he finds it the language's most effective locution. His survey of fellow celebs turned up support for words like "together" and "mushroom." Results, for those of you holding your breath, will be available in  late September . . .

   With friends like Lars von Trier, who needs enemies? That's the question Icelandic songbird cum leprechaun-chaser Bjork must be asking herself now that the director -- who coaxed her onto the silver screen to appear in his Dancing in the Dark -- has gone public with a less-than-kind opinion of her acting skills. Von Trier says his charge can't act a lick, and basically wreaked havoc on the set of his rags-to-riches tale, which has been described as Ginger Rogers meets the poor little match girl. Normally, we wouldn't come to the defense of a woman who's actually proud of holding conversations with elves and fairies, but if that description holds water, we don't think Bjork is to blame if the flick tanks . . .

   Motherhood may not mean a lot around these parts anymore, but the land down under still takes the institution seriously -- as borne out by the fact that Australia's federal government went out of its way to declare the latest album from "anti-mom" rockers Choke to be "an illegal product." The kangaroo courts didn't simply slap the foursome on the wrist for recording tunes like"Your Mum's Cunt Stinks" -- they summoned cops to the indie combo's Perth digs to confiscate all extant copies of the offending Smokin' Tailpipe Action album -- making it an instant collector's item, and making us wonder if John Lennon's "Mother" is next . . .